As much as you and your partner may love each other, fundamental incompatibilities can make your relationship destined for failure. Unfortunately, instead of recognizing this fact, some people will try to change important things about their partner to suit their own needs. If you’re worried your other half may be trying to do this, we’ve got you covered. This list reveals 18 common signs your partner might be trying to change you.
Unwarranted Criticism
Constructive criticism can be healthy and beneficial at the right time and place. However, according to PsychCentral, if your partner is constantly giving you unwarranted criticism that feels cruel or out of place, this may be a sign that they’re trying to change or control something about you. Reflect on whether the criticism feels like fair feedback or an unfair attack on your character.
Manipulative Behavior
Instead of being upfront about their needs and preferences, some people will use manipulative tactics to change their partner. For example, they may use guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, or gaslighting to “punish” their partners for doing or saying things they don’t like. Be wary of whether your partner is using subtle tactics to influence you and your actions.
Lack of Respect for Boundaries
Boundaries play a very important role in every relationship. So if it seems like your partner is constantly disregarding or dismissing your boundaries, this can be a sign that they’re using toxic tactics in an attempt to change you. Be clear about what is and isn’t okay for you, and if your partner keeps disrespecting what you tell them, it’s probably a good idea to reconsider the relationship.
Conditional Love
It’s perfectly okay to have preferences in a relationship. However, if it seems like your partner’s love for you is dependent on whether you’re always acting in their preferred ways or not, this can be a red flag. If your partner seems colder and more critical towards you when you’re not conforming to their expectations, you may want to discuss this with them.
Isolation from Support Systems
Sometimes, toxic individuals will try to isolate their partners from key friends and family members in an attempt to gain more control over them and their lives. If your partner guilt trips you or acts excessively jealous when you spend time with others, this may be a sign they’re trying to control and change you.
Control Over Decisions
Does your partner seem to dominate all decision-making processes and fail to ask for your opinion? This is often a red flag that they’re trying to control you and don’t respect your need for autonomy over your own life. As noted by licensed counselor Susan G. Adams, “Being married means being a team and when one partner makes decisions which affect the other, it breaks the trust in the relationship.”
Lack of Compromise
It’s normal to have disagreements and conflicts in relationships; the important thing is how you handle these situations. If your partner always advocates for their own needs but is never willing to compromise or meet yours, this is a red flag that they could be trying to change you.
Pressure to Change Core Values
Our core values make us who we are, and we should never feel pressured to change them. Unfortunately, some toxic people who disapprove of their partner’s values will try to do exactly this. For example, they may invalidate, dismiss, or laugh about your values and interests when you talk about them.
Lack of Support for Growth
In healthy relationships, both parties will always be willing to show each other their support and encouragement. If it seems like your partner is reluctant to show support for you, your goals, and your growth as an individual, this could be a sign that they’re trying to limit and change you.
Imbalance of Power
As noted by Psychology Today, it’s important for both people to feel like they have an equal sense of power in order to feel happy and satisfied in a relationship. Therefore, if it seems like your partner is exerting an unfair amount of control or power, this can be a red flag, especially if they’re using that power to change fundamental things about you.
Lack of Autonomy
Does your relationship allow you to maintain a healthy amount of independence and autonomy? If not, this could indicate that your partner is not showing enough respect for you and your personal agency. Be sure to assert healthy boundaries that will help you preserve your autonomy and get your needs met.
Absence of Mutual Growth
In healthy relationships, both partners will typically feel like they’re growing and developing together. On the other hand, toxic partners will often hinder their other half’s growth through manipulation, criticism, or control tactics. If your partner is doing this, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
Lack of Emotional Support
People who try to change their partners will sometimes withdraw or withhold emotional support, especially when their boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t acting according to their preferences. This can be a sign that your partner is using manipulative tactics to get you to conform to their expectations.
Focus on Superficial Changes
Toxic partners will often pay more attention to superficial changes in appearance than deeper changes that are more meaningful to us. This can be a sign that they’re more concerned with you fitting into their ideal image than who you are as a unique and complex individual.
Lack of Empathy
As noted by Psych Central, while romantic lust may be able to survive without empathy, true love requires both partners to understand each other. If your partner is failing to understand and validate you and your emotions, this can be a bad sign that they’re more concerned about their own needs and desires than yours. This can also make them more likely to attempt to change you to fit these needs.
Lack of Appreciation
Good partners will properly display their appreciation and gratitude for you and your gifts, efforts, and contributions. On the other hand, people who have little concern for you and your feelings may take you for granted. This can be a sign that they’re failing to acknowledge your worth and value.
Imposed Changes Without Consent
Sometimes, toxic partners will make big decisions that significantly affect you without asking for your consent. While they may disguise this as an oversight or romantic gesture, it’s often actually a sign that they don’t respect your boundaries or autonomy within the relationship.
Disregard for Individuality
We should be with our partners because we love their unique personalities, traits, and even imperfections. If it seems like your partner disregards your individuality and instead expects you to blindly go along with their needs and expectations, this is a bad sign that they may be trying to change you.
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