Forming mutually respectful and enjoyable relationships with others can be tricky to navigate. To help you build better relationships with friends, partners, colleagues, and family members, we’ve compiled a list of 19 things you’re doing that might be undermining your attempts to be kind to others.
Offering Unsolicited Advice
It may seem helpful, but offering advice where it is not wanted can undermine the person’s sense of autonomy or the complexity of their circumstances. According to Psych Central, “unsolicited advice can even communicate an air of superiority; it assumes the advice-giver knows what’s right or best.”
Insisting on Paying the Bill
What might be a kind gesture to you can create a power imbalance or a feeling of obligation in a relationship. It might embarrass or undermine others’ independence and leave them feeling that you have disregarded their intent to contribute.
Over-Complimenting
Genuine praise and compliments are a great way to show someone you care, but when they’re a bit too frequent or over the top, they can come across as insincere or manipulative. Psychology Today says, “It can constitute a kind of verbal bribery, offered primarily to serve the interest of the person offering it.”
Pressuring Someone to Eat or Drink More
Everyone has different norms when it comes to eating and drinking, and pressuring them to consume more can create discomfort. It ignores the other person’s autonomy over their body and disregards their personal boundaries, leading to resentment within the relationship.
Excessive Gift-Giving
Giving a heartfelt gift is a lovely act, but if this is excessive or over the top, it can create a feeling of obligation or indebtedness on the other person’s behalf. It also might be perceived as an attempt to buy affection or overshadow genuine intention and thoughtfulness.
Publicly Correcting Someone
If someone has gotten confused or said something wrong, it is best to kindly let them know when they are out of earshot of others. Publicly correcting them for their mistakes can make someone feel embarrassed or come across as a mark of superiority rather than kindness.
Making Assumptions About Preferences or Needs
In any new or existing relationship, it is essential to listen to others about their preferences and needs rather than simply assuming a one-size-fits-all approach will suit them. Doing this can lead to misunderstandings or leave the other person feeling you’ve disregarded their personal choices.
Constantly Saying “Yes” to Avoid Conflict
Saying ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’ can lead to overcommitment, personal stress, and a lack of healthy boundaries in your relationships with others. In a study mentioned by Happiful Magazine, researchers found that “many of us often agree to something for fear of annoying the person who invited us, no matter what the relationship is between them.”
Invading Personal Space
Giving someone a hug, patting them on the shoulder, or simply getting a little too close can feel disrespectful to their comfort zones and personal boundaries. Ignoring someone’s cues to suggest you’re too close can also make people feel threatened or uncomfortable.
Forcing Your Help on Them
While it may feel kind, forcing your help or advice on someone can leave the other person feeling like you think they are incapable of solving their own problems. Sometimes it can be a sign of control or a need to feel useful, and it can make others feel undervalued or helpless.
Assuming Familiarity Too Soon
In a new friendship, it’s great to work to build a comfortable space, but being too familiar with someone you don’t know that well can make them feel uncomfortable or violated. Business Insider says that over-familiarity can be a narcissistic tendency, and instead, you should look for comfort, excitement, and stability in friendships.
Bringing Up Sensitive Topics to Show Empathy
When someone is facing grief, heartbreak, mental health issues, or any other personal problems, bringing these sensitive topics up can cause discomfort or risk reopening past wounds. It assumes someone is ready to discuss these topics and can make them feel pressured to share more information than they’re comfortable with.
Stepping in to Solve Others’ Problems Unasked
You may be trying to be helpful, but stepping in when you’ve not been called upon can undermine the person’s ability to handle their own issues and be perceived as belittling or dismissive of their capabilities. Instead, remind others that you are there if they need you.
Giving Unsolicited Praise About Personal Choices
Whatever their life choices or decisions, excessively praising them can come across as judgmental or patronizing. It also might feel like you are invading their privacy or bringing unwanted attention to personal matters that they don’t want to discuss.
Apologizing Excessively
It might seem polite, but excessive apologies can dilute the significance of genuine apologies and shift the focus from addressing an issue to managing emotions. The Zoe Report says “over-apologizing can lead to resentment towards others, shame around one’s identity, and a constant struggle to stand up for oneself.”
Tagging People in Social Media Without Consent
Social media is a great space for sharing memories and connecting with others, but tagging people in posts or photos without their consent can lead to discomfort or embarrassment. It disregards their personal privacy and may not be something they want to share with the world.
Sharing Personal Stories for Relatability
When someone is struggling with personal issues or problems in relationships, it can be tempting to share your own stories to help them relate, but this can risk turning a supportive moment into a self-centered one. It might feel like you’ve overshadowed the other’s experience or feelings or assumed your experience was similar to theirs.
Automatically Taking Charge in Group Situations
Leadership and organization may be your strongest skills, but taking over in every group situation can undermine the dynamics of the group and others’ contributions. It can be perceived by others as domineering or dismissive of their abilities; instead, try to focus on collaboration and teamwork.
Sending “Helpful” Articles or Information
When you read something that you feel is helpful to someone else, try to think about whether it might make them feel that you’ve overlooked their existing knowledge or research on the topic. Sharing information can be really useful, but it can also be perceived as intrusive or presumptuous.
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