In-laws can be a wonderful addition to your family, but navigating a ‘parental’ style relationship without the childhood history comes with some unique challenges. Healthy boundaries are essential for creating a respectful dynamic that benefits everyone, including any children you may have. Here are 19 ground rules you should set with your in-laws, if necessary!
Respect Your Privacy
You and your partner deserve an adult level of privacy in your relationship, no matter how close they are to their parents. Establish boundaries on how much personal information you share with your in-laws, and always be clear when you expect a subject or conversation to remain between the two of you. Make sure your partner is on board and follows the rules!
Separate Finances
Sharing money or assets with your in-laws isn’t appropriate unless you’re unavoidably financially intertwined with them (like when you run a business together). Keep your family’s finances separate and avoid asking your in-laws for financial assistance or loans unless absolutely necessary. If they constantly ask about money, use redirection to subtly change the topic.
No Monopolizing Holidays and Celebrations
According to USA Today, a 2023 survey on U.S. holiday traditions stated, “85% of those surveyed admitted to lying or coming up with an excuse to get out of a family holiday event.” To avoid such extreme measures and stay honest, agree with your partner on how much time you will spend visiting each family and hosting. Communicate these plans to your in-laws directly.
Respect Your Parenting
Grandparents can be a wonderful part of your and your children’s lives, but you may need to establish your parenting philosophy with your partner and communicate these expectations to your in-laws, especially if they tend to be pushy or overbearing. If necessary, set boundaries regarding advice on child-rearing, unexpected visits, and respecting your decisions as parents.
No Lifestyle Criticism
We’re all different, and what works for your in-laws might not fit in with your lifestyle or habits. Your home is a private space that should make you feel safe, happy, and comfortable, but it doesn’t need to please people who don’t live there. If you receive negative comments about how you live, shut them down directly by explaining that you’re happy the way things are.
No Overstepping on Marital Issues
Your marriage is a union between you and your partner, and you should never have to explain yourself, your feelings, or any marital disagreements with external family members. Discourage your in-laws from gossiping or offering unsolicited advice about your relationship, and ensure your partner agrees not to discuss personal relationship issues or fights.
No Uninvited Visits and Calls
It’s perfectly okay to set boundaries around how often your in-laws visit or call and whether or not they need to give you notice beforehand or wait for an invitation. Unless you have a real ‘open door’ policy and thrive on unexpected guests, demand that visits be scheduled, even if they are coming to see your partner or grandchildren. For many, this is an important physical boundary!
No Inappropriate Gifts for Your Children
While gifts from grandparents are lovely, it’s okay to set boundaries regarding prohibited items or excessive gift-giving to avoid spoiling your children. Although it can be cultural (Coventry Direct claims grandparents in Kansas and Texas spoil their grandkids the most), don’t be afraid to put your foot down if the type or quantity of gifts goes against your parenting style.
Negative Comments About Your Family
Everyone has flaws, but it’s important to protect your own family should they come under fire from your in-laws. If your partner’s parents comment negatively about your parents or siblings, address it directly, especially if you feel disloyal or uncomfortable. Explain that hateful remarks about your loved ones won’t be tolerated. Avoid being permissive of such behavior.
No Favoritism
If you have multiple children or your in-laws have multiple grandchildren, it’s reasonable to expect each child to feel equally loved and valued. While different grandchildren cannot be treated identically, particularly those of different ages, no child should feel left out or disliked compared to the others. Discuss any issues with your in-laws, and focus on inclusion.
No Disrespectful Behavior
Mutual respect is essential in any relationship and is especially important for family members who are joined to you by marriage only, and not by blood. If your in-laws do things like bad-mouth you or ignore your partner’s decisions, they aren’t showing you enough respect. Address any disrespectful behavior directly and limit contact if necessary.
No Overstepping on Decision-Making
Major life decisions (like buying a house, changing careers, or having children) should be made by you and your partner. While discussing such things with other family members is perfectly natural, they should have a supportive or advisory role and never take charge of the situation or try to pressure you. If they do, politely but firmly tell them to ‘back off!’
Not the Default Babysitter
The Harris Poll reports that grandmas provide all kinds of support to their adult children’s families, and 42% of working parents rely on them for childcare. Despite the potential help grandparents can provide, don’t feel obligated to rely on them more than you want or need to. Be upfront about your childcare expectations, and be grateful for any assistance they can offer.
No Excessive Social Media
Oversharing on social media can cause unnecessary drama for families, so don’t stay silent if your in-laws post personal information (like baby announcements), private disagreements, or photos of grandchildren without your consent or approval. Discuss privacy settings with your partner and inform your in-laws of these boundaries. Block them if they break the rules!
No Guilt Trips
Emotional manipulation is never okay from any source, so your in-laws should never try to guilt you into spending more time with them or doing things you don’t want to do. Even if they are elderly, needy, or ill, you are entitled to your own personal time and happiness. Tell your partner how involved you want to be, and don’t be afraid to insist on time alone as a family unit.
No Negative Comments About Your Appearance
The only person who needs to think you look good is you—and perhaps your partner. You’re not married to your in-laws, and your appearance is none of their business. If they offer unsolicited comments about your weight, clothing, or hairstyle, you can politely shut them down with, “Thanks for your concern, but I’m happy with the way I look.” If they persist, limit your contact with them.
No Ignoring Your Parenting Decisions
According to VeryWell Mind, inconsistency in caregiving and discipline can make children anxious and insecure, so everyone who cares for your child must be on the same page. As parents, you and your partner have the ultimate say about raising your child. Tell your in-laws what foods/language/punishments you approve of, and don’t tolerate disrespect.
No Overstepping Personal Space
Physical boundaries are important, and sometimes your in-laws’ idea of ‘personal space’ might not match your own. If you’re uncomfortable with hugging, kissing, touching, or other intimate behavior, tactfully tell your in-laws and request that they don’t force their ‘touchy-feely’ nature onto you. How they interact with others is up to those involved.
No Disrupting Your Established Routines
Maybe you have a relaxing Sunday morning ritual or a weeknight family dinner tradition that you look forward to but are constantly disrupted by your in-laws’ phone calls, unexpected visits, demands, or invitations. While the occasional disruption is understandable, don’t feel obligated to change your plans to suit them at the drop of a hat. It isn’t respectful, reasonable, or fair.
Read More: Why People Aren’t Religious Anymore: 15 Simple Reasons
As society evolves, so does our approach to spirituality. This article looks at the subtle yet profound shift from traditional religious adherence to a more personal, evidence-based belief system.
Why People Aren’t Religious Anymore: 15 Simple Reasons
17 Things Society Can No Longer Do Because Gen Z Said So
Gen Z, our digital-native, trendsetting generation, is making waves in the cultural sea, steering the ship of societal norms in fresh and unexpected directions. As they charter new territories, there are certain practices they’d rather we say goodbye to. Curious? Let’s take a look at 17 things the rest of us can no longer do because Gen Z said so.
17 Things Society Can No Longer Do Because Gen Z Said So
19 Common Behaviors of Highly Intelligent People
Intelligent individuals often display a range of behaviors and qualities that set them apart from others. When exploring these characteristics, it’s crucial to comprehend that intelligence is a multifaceted attribute. Here are 19 essential behaviors and qualities frequently observed in highly intelligent people.
19 Common Behaviors of Highly Intelligent People
17 Things We Were Taught in High School That We Now Know Aren’t True
Well, this one may depend on when you went to high school, but for this millennial, these are the things we were taught in high school that have been proven not to be true. Personally, I still want to go back and correct every teacher who told me I wouldn’t always have a calculator in my pocket; the joke is on them.
17 Things We Were Taught in High School That We Now Know Aren’t True
16 Reasons Why Trump May Not Get a Second Term
Though Republican frontrunner Donald Trump thinks his trip back to the Oval Office is all but guaranteed, there are some real hurdles he has to get past. Here are the 16 obstacles that may stand in the way of a second term.